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The Southern Onion; When the truth isn't enough!
Topic Started: Fri Dec 15, 2017 11:00 am (116 Views)
Pencil Sharpeners Fri Dec 15, 2017 11:00 am Post #1

Here is our latest article, hot off the press!

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TSP reveals plan for next constitutional crisis

With almost two years having passed since TSP’s last constitutional crisis, The Coalition has revealed its intent to organise a new one that will be ‘bigger and better’ than any before. The Southern Onion has spoken to Prime Minister Roavin about his plans for the event.

“TSP has a long history of being wildly unstable,” remarks Roavin, from behind his gold-plated desk in the Prime Minister’s office. “I unfortunately missed the last crisis, but joined just in time for the subsequent Great Council, which really whetted my appetite for future drama. I’d now like to usher in what will hopefully be the greatest GCR crisis in NS history.”

While many of the details are being kept a secret, an excited Roavin is keen to tell me some of the planned features he’s most proud of.

“This isn’t just going to be a simple kerfuffle with just two factions involved; we’re planning for four or five, all vying for control of the region. There will be confusion, betrayals, ragequits: all the usual fun, but this time it will be taken to the next level.”

Roavin explains to me that he plans to use January’s Delegate election to kick things off, with rumours of ‘election fraud’ and ‘outside influence’, but the ‘real fun’ will begin in February, when the cabinet elections will ‘descend into chaos’.

“There will be anger and fireballs and hatred!” An increasingly animated Roavin proclaims, “We will have a new Delegate each day! The CRS will be split across the different factions! Half our nations at least will be taking a trip to TRR!”

But the part that excites the Prime Minister the most is the Great Council that will follow. “Any TSPer will tell just how much I love Great Councils. I’d have them every month if I could, so I’m really looking forward to experiencing one again.”

In recent months TSP has had a controversial reputation among other regions, so Minister of Foreign Affairs Tim Stark talks us through the implications of this crisis on our relations with our allies and enemies.

“Recently many regions have expressed concern about the number of Defenders, and particularly Wardens, in TSP’s government. This crisis is a way for us to show the international community that, despite the Warden influence, this is still the same old dysfunctional, argumentative TSP that everyone knows and loves.”

Since Roavin mentioned ‘outside influence’, I press Tim about what other regions he expects to get involved in this crisis.

“Well, the claims of outside influence don’t actually have to be true; they’re just a way of stirring the pot and hopefully starting arguments. However, I anticipate that many regions will get involved, as most of our enemies rely solely on TSP’s drama for their own activity. This will bring a new dimension to the crisis, and hopefully some new recruits to The Grey Wardens too.”

An area which TSP has been criticised for in the past is how the gameside members are often excluded from events, with only those on the forums getting the full experience. I spoke to Local Councillor Drall about what his plans for the event are.

“I think it’s imperative to make sure the RMB community are at the centre of the action,” asserts Drall, carefully sipping his cup of coffee in the minimalist LC lounge. “Once I’ve ran out of insults to fire at Glen and Cormac, I’ll do my best to ensure that the RMBers receive their fair share of toxicity, accusations, and banjections. Of course, the LC will likely be dissolved by one of the rogue Delegates at some point, but I still consider it my duty to keep the RMB informed on who you currently have to bribe to avoid being dumped into TRR.”

This is very exciting news for all TSPers, and many others around NS too. With all branches of TSP’s government taking a united approach to insanity, this promises to be a crisis to remember.
Here is last weeks' article, described by CNN as 'a journalistic masterpiece', and by Donald Trump as 'fake news'

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Defender elite subvert TSP election

While the Chair of Assembly elections may not be the most glamorous, generally being overshadowed by the cabinet elections, the election this October revealed a new tactic from TSP’s Defender elite, which should worry both TSPers and outside observers alike.

RON (Re-open nominations) is a long term TSPer, who has repeatedly tried to get elected in a variety of positions with little success. It seemed his commitment to the region was being ignored, but that all changed a couple of months ago, when he stormed to victory with 21 votes (72% of the total) in the Chair of Assembly election. Then something strange happened. The election was re-run from the start. RON was forced to run against new candidates, along with some he’d already beaten. This time, he unfortunately came up short, taking 13 votes after the 3rd round of IRV (instant runoff voting) to his opponent’s 15. This seems anti-democratic and corrupt enough, but The Southern Onion has done some research, and the information we have found reveals just how worrying these events are.

Firstly, there was very little acknowledgement of RON’s victory. After the voting ended, Election Commissioner Feirmont announced ‘With Re-Open Nominations taking the win, the elections will return to the nomination period.’ No congratulations. No acceptance of him as the legally elected Chair. Just an immediate rush to run the election again. Whether Feirmont is part of the Defender conspiracy, or whether he was blackmailed and threatened by it we don’t know, but either way, this was a dark day for democracy in TSP. RON hasn’t been seen since this second election, and has every right to feel aggrieved, but it gets worse…

Who would possibly want to run against the fair victor? Sure, the losing candidates might want another chance, but surely nobody who didn’t run before would possibly take this unfair opportunity? Step up, Glen-Rhodes. Glen is a prominent Defender and is widely considered to be a leading member of TSP’s Defender elite. It should come as no surprise that he was the one chosen to snatch the position away from the rightful victor. In what The Southern Onion can only consider to be a sham election, Glen defeated RON and the other candidates by the narrowest of margins. Now that the Defender elite had got the outcome they’d wanted, the result was allowed to stand.

There’s one final piece of information, which really is the icing on the cake with regards to the injustices done to RON, and TSP as a whole during this travesty of an election. Glen-Rhodes had originally campaigned for RON. Yes, that’s right, the man who took away RON’s first ever victory had originally claimed to be supporting him. RON is a shy, quiet person, and rarely gets involved with campaigning, so when Glen took it upon himself to campaign on RON’s behalf, everyone thought he was being nice, and helping out a deserving candidate. How wrong they were! Glen’s campaigning was merely a way of mocking RON, as he knew that regardless of the result, only one person would ever truly win this election. To trick RON into thinking that he finally had some support after all these years was nothing short of immoral. It could even be said that this support was because he knew that, out of all the candidates, the timid RON was the least likely to complain about the situation.

In conclusion, TSP’s Defender elite have not only subverted our election process, effectively re-running an election until they got the result they wanted, but they misled a poor candidate into believing he would win his first election. Depraved. Corrupt. Deceitful. And this is just the start. No doubt the Chair of Assembly election was just a way for them to test the waters, to see if they could get away with election fraud, and its success will only make them hungrier for future subversion. The future does not look at all bright for TSP’s democracy.
Edited by Pencil Sharpeners, Fri Dec 15, 2017 11:02 am.
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Volaworand Fri Dec 15, 2017 11:28 am Post #2
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TSP SPIT dealer
 This is the only real news! :yoda:
Edited by Volaworand, Fri Dec 15, 2017 11:30 am.
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Escade Fri Dec 15, 2017 11:54 pm Post #3
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 I adore this in all of the ways <3
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Volaworand Mon Dec 25, 2017 10:44 pm Post #4
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TSP SPIT dealer
 I am pleased to introduce the South Pacific's newest political movement!

The TSP VAPID Party has released a revolutionary platform chock full of 14 specific points they plan for the South Pacific Region!.
They are calling it the "TSP VAPID Party's 14 Point Plan for the South Pacific" and releasing it exclusively online in accessible dispatch form!

Political pundits are hailing it as "Genius!", "Brilliant!", "Rectangular", and "Full of Sound and Fury."
The nations of the South Pacific are abuzz with comments like "A triumph of rhetoric and form over substance!" "Finally! A platform that fits neatly on my screen!"
Non-partisan Accountants and Economists who reviewed the plan confirm that it is a plan with 14 points!

TSP VAPID Party needs you! Vote Early! Vote Often!

https://www.nationstates.net/page=dispatch/id=943387

vap·id
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