Supreme Autocrat
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- #108
- Joined:
- Apr 23, 2015
- Alignment
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As promised, a new rumor piece, a humorous look at our current candidate's for Sovereign.
- Quote:
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Rumors About the Lazarus Elections, Part 1
by Sepharist
(who is still totally not a puppet of Loftegen)
A heavy summer snow was falling in Emerald Square; big, fat, round flakes that splattered -
"Hey, that's rain, dummy. Not snow."
I whirled to find myself face-to-face with Caldariat, Emerald Square's resident homeless lady.
"Don't you know it's impolite to interrupt an inner monologue?" I demanded, snow running down my face.
Caldariat had a bottle of soju in one hand. She took a big swig from it, while making a rude gesture at me with her other hand.
"Your final term is almost up," she slurred. "And I'm going to succeed you."
"Cal," I said, "I've told you before; you need a press pass to be a reporter." I emphasized my words by pointing to the plastic card tucked in the band of my snow-soaked hat.
"Reporter, my kimchi," Caldariat sneered. "You're Sovereign Loftegen! And I'm running for your job!"
"I'm not nearly handsome enough to be our universally adored Supreme Autocrat, Cal," I said.
Then, pointing behind her, "Hey, is that Hyuna?!"
"Hyuna! Where?!" When Caldariat turned to look, I calmly ran frantically away.
-------
A safe distance later, I happened across famous street judge Amerion as he held court before a standing room only crowd of empty Night Train Express bottles.
"...and that is why paragraph two of clause five of section three of part one of the Mandate is un-Mandate-atory-tutional," the diminutive legal legend lectured the bottle by the bailiff in the dock.
"Hello, Amerion," I said.
"I'm not an Osiran deep cover agent!" Amerion shrieked, scattering his bottles and losing his 'Cormac fo' Lyfe' hat.
"Whoa! Never said you were. How are you?" I asked.
"Running for Sovereign!" the pint-sized pontificator proclaimed. "I'm gunning for your job, Loftegen!"
"I'm not Loftegen!" I shrieked. "You take that back, or I won't give you this!" I threatened, pulling out a full bottle of Mad Dog 20/20.
"Did I say Loftegen? I meant Sepharist. I'm sorry, I've been under a lot of sobriety lately," Amerion explained.
"Apology accepted," I said, handing him the bottle. "I have to go. Tell Cormac I said 'hi'."
"Sure, whatever," Amerion answered, twisting the cap off his prize. I took that as my cue, and took my leave.
-------
A man on a soapbox is always worthy of attention, and Funkadelia was no exception.
"Is that a genuine vintage Vladimir's Revolutionary Soap Flakes box?" I asked, having not seen one since the day before yesterday in the Socialist Workers Proletarian Hardware Store and Reading Room.
"INACTIVITY!" Funkadelia roared with, pointing an angry finger at me in an angry manner while glaring at me angrily.
"Pie?" I replied, startled.
"No, INACTIVITY!; and it's all your fault, Loftegen!" Funkadelia roared again, flailing to keep his balance.
"I am not our glorious and infallible Supreme Autocrat, Funk; I don't know why everyone keeps saying that," I said.
"It doesn't matter," Funkadelia said. "In a week I'll be re-elected Sovereign, and Lazarus will be saved from INACTIVITY!"
"Oh, you're running too?" I asked.
"I'm running ALSO!" Funkadelia bellowed, before getting hit in the face with a rainball thrown by a miscreant dressed like a reporter and falling off his soapbox into a puddle of snow.
-------
"So you're running for Sovereign," I said.
Constie's thumbs flew across his smartphone as he stared into a virtual reality headset. At least I presume he was staring. He never took it off, so I never actually saw if his eyes were open.
"What?" he asked, jerking spastically.
"You're running for Sovereign?" I repeated.
"I am?" he asked, twitching violently.
"Are you?" I asked.
"Am I what?" he answered, ducking suddenly.
"Running for Sovereign?" I said.
"I've never played that one," Constie denied as he lurched to one side.
"It's not a game," I said.
"What?"
-------
"The leaves say that I will succeed you as Sovereign, Loftie," Starberry muttered mysteriously as she swirled her tea. I had sought shelter from the snow under the awning of her 'Starberry's Special Teas' cart, even ordering a cup of carefully crafted camomile to warm my snow drenched bones.
"Is everybody in the Emerald Square running to succeed our superlative Sovereign, Supreme Autocrat Loftegen, who for the last time is not me?" I demanded.
"No, just five of us," Starberry assured me.
"But you're going to win?" I asked.
"The leaves never lie," Starberry said, handing me her tea cup.
I looked into it. Sure enough, the tea leaf fragments at the bottom spelled the words 'Starberry will succeed Loftegen as Sovereign of Lazarus'.
"I don't know much about tasseomancy," I said, "But that is one detailed message."
"It's an art I learned from an old Gypsy woman called Grandma," Starberry related. "She taught me everything I know about hustling easy marks."
On a hunch, I looked into my own cup. My tea leaves also spelled out 'Starberry will succeed Loftegen as Sovereign of Lazarus'.
"What an amazing coincidence," I said.
"The leaves are truly mysterious," Starberry agreed.
-------
I had to hurry. There was no time left, if I wanted to get out of the Emerald Square alive. Fortunately the bus pulled up right on time. Unfortunately, it was being driven by my arch-enemy, Rivercastle.
Edited by Loftegen, Jun 13 2016, 04:12 PM. |
3:45 PM Jul 12