Quote:

 

Written by Sepharist, who is in no way a puppet of Loftegen
Rumors continue to swirl in Lazarus, as new allegations were made against current Sovereign Loftegen by serial accuser Caldariat. Chief amongst the allegations was an assertation that Loftegen was nothing less than the sixth member of the infamous 'Gand of Five', the power hungry miscreants who attempted to seize Lazarus for the New Pacific Order.

Caldariat, a shabbily dressed homeless woman best know for haranguing passersby in Emerald Square (when she isn't panhandling or giving free reign to her delusion of being a K-pop Idol singer) maintains that Loftegen is in cahoots with Stujenske and his cronies to turn Lazarus over to the NPO.

These claims and others like them are tweeted daily under the hashtags #LoafyLoftie, #LazyLoftie, #LazySovereign, and so forth. When confronted by this intrepid reporter, Caldariat launched into a spittle spewing screed while waving a half empty bottle of soju, which she sampled liberally during my attempt to interview her.

Amongst the many claims Caldariat made was that I, Sepharist, was actually our beloved Sovereign Loftegen in disguise.

"Those cheap Groucho Marx glasses can't fool me," she slurred, repeatedly grabbing at my glasses, or my nose, or my moustache.

"Why would Loftegen stoop to pretending to be a reporter?" I asked. "He may think he's our mostly benevolent dictator, but he still has some scruples."

Caldariat began to mumble a reply, but then realized that she was out of soju, and decided it was time for a nap.

A quick jog across the square brought me to the Sovereign's Palace, and an audience with Loftegen himself.

I found our glorious Supreme Autocrat looking out of a mirror, with a pair of Groucho Marx glasses perched upon his regal nose. He took his off at the same time I removed my own.

"You're a handsome devil," he said, trying to butter me up.

"As are you," I replied, not to be outdone.

"Caldariat is spreading rumors about me again, isn't she?" Loftegen said.

I was taken aback. How had he known?

"How did you know?" I asked.

"I know everything," Loftegen said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"You do not," I argued.

"I know what you're thinking right now," Loftegen claimed.

"Do not."

"Do so."

"Not!"

"So!"

"Then I guess there's no point asking any more questions," I said.

"Of course not," Loftegen agreed. "Besides, you've already written down the answers."

A glance at my notepad confirmed that I had, in fact, already written down the answers to the questions I wanted to ask.

"Amazing!" I exclaimed, but our glorious Supreme Autocrat For Life was gone.

Just to make sure he wasn't hiding under his desk again, I snuck boldly into his office, past his ever vigilant secretary, whose twin sister modelled clothing in the window of a department store on the other side of town. She ignored me, as usual.

Loftegen wasn't hiding under his desk, which was good, since that would have made rifling through the drawers awkward. Hidden away in the very back of the lowest drawer was a map of the region folded up and tucked into a dog-eared copy of Couping Lazarus For Dummies™ that had been signed by Stujenske, Pergamon, A.M.O.M., Feux and Milograd.

This was damning evidence if ever I had seen such a thing. At that moment, though, some loose papers fell out of the back of the book. Among them were tickets to an AOA concert, a shopping list that read 'new socks, kimchi, soju, more soju' and an autographed five by eight glossy headshot of Kim Seol-hyun with the note 'for my favorite crazy obsessed stalker fan'.

It was suddenly perfectly clear.

Rivercastle! It was the only explanation that made sense, but would I live to see the story published?